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It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Posted by Daniel Neff on Tuesday, December 22, 2009 2:05:00 PM
At least that is what the song says. It's the holiday season. Years ago this comprised Thanksgiving, through Christmas, ending with New Year's. Now it's all about Christmas, and the secular aspect of it to boot. The word Christmas, comes from the old English, and literally means “Christ's Mass”. Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ the Messiah. But for most, Christmas is only about lights and snowmen and trees. And gifts, more shopping takes place during this time of year than any other. 
Once upon a time, it was taboo to put out Christmas decorations or play Christmas carols before Thanksgiving. Now, stores start putting out Christmas items in October; and radio stations start playing Christmas carols in early November. Thanksgiving has largely become a forgotten holiday. We are too anxious for Christmas to get here to stop and give thanks.
So with all this focus on the festive time of Christmas; and thoughts of Santa and Frosty and Christmas lights; everyone should be full of joy, right? That's what one would think, but my observations tell a different story. I was shopping at our local Stuff Mart the other day to do my part to support the Chinese economy, and I was struck by the endless parade of miserable faces. And this seems to be a recurring phenomenon. Of course, everyone has a bad day now and then: but that could not explain what I witnessed. The odds of everyone having their bad day on the same day and that being on the day I crossed their path; well I would need to consult Dr. Charles Epps for the answer to that (reference to the TV show Numb3rs). Maybe it's the economy you may say; perhaps they are among the unemployed. While it can be tough to be unemployed, especially at this time of year (I know, I became unemployed at Thanksgiving), that alone should not make a person miserable. Maybe those people need to read my previous blog on counting your blessings.
Perhaps, all this focus on Santa and Frosty and lights and decorations is the reason for the malaise. While all these things are fun and a part of our Christmas celebration, they are not the reason for the season. Santa cannot give you peace or joy when you lose your job. Frosty cannot comfort you when the doctor tells you it's cancer. All the Christmas lights in the world can't illuminate a soul that is dark and lost.
Enjoy that Christmas Dinner, have some eggnog, sing some Christmas carols. Celebrate Frosty and Santa and Rudolph; just don't forget the reason for the season:

Do not be afraid, for behold I bring you tidings of great joy which will be to all people.
For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.
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Count Your Blessings

Posted by Daniel Neff on Sunday, December 20, 2009 9:47:20 AM
 
   Count your blessings. I know it is a cliché, and especially at this time of year, but it probably bears repeating at this time of year more than any other. Unless you have been living in a cave for the last 30 years, you're aware that the suicide rate is very high during the holiday season. The reasons for this are probably many, but for the most part, people think that their life is lacking in comparison to other's lives. People who are alone in their life, become more acutely aware of that solitude during the holidays. Everyone else (it seems) has a family and big plans to gather with extended family for a joyous Christmas celebration. The lonely person is only looking forward to a canned ham, a bottle of wine, and “It's a Wonderful Life” on TV. They will probably skip “It's a Wonderful Life” though, either because it hits to close to home, or the ending seems too unreal. I can relate to that person, because even though I have a beautiful family now (a lovely wife, Linda and 10 year old son, Daniel), I spent many Christmases all alone.
   This Christmas we are counting our blessings. I have a wonderful wife and the best little boy in the world. We are unemployed, but we are freed from a stressful situation, working with troubled teenagers and working for an inept organization. Since part of the compensation for that job was an attached apartment, we were essentially made homeless. However, a friend from church is letting us use her cozy two bedroom cabin in the foothills until we get back on our feet. We have a wood burning stove, all the wood we can burn, and all the peace and quiet we can stand. The cabin is an enchanting retreat in the woods, and a blessing (both from God and our friend at church). Our 11 month old crazy ball of fur Golden Retriever, also known as Johnny Bud, is in dog heaven. He has acres of woods to explore, and several dogs in the neighborhood to explore and play with.
   Because of our employment situation, we don't have a lot of money to spend on Christmas, but we have each other, our health, and our God. He has said He is our provider, and He will never leave us nor forsake us. I believe that counting your blessing is a choice. We are making the choice to count our blessings.
   I am reminded of a Christmas season a few years ago (nine to be exact), that would give a person a reason to complain, if ever there was one. I was six months into treatment for cancer, and things weren't going well. I had an open lung biopsy (my second in six months) to confirm if it was still cancer in my lungs. I expired on the operating table and had to be revived. The biopsy revealed it was still cancer. I spent 21 of 31 days that December in a hospital room. It was looking like that would be my last Christmas. We didn't have much money for Christmas, couldn't travel or host family in our home, some would say we didn't have any blessing to count. Though my condition was grave, I was able to talk my doctor into letting me go home on the 24th, and come back into the hospital the morning of the 26th. 
   I was still alive; I got to spend Christmas at home with Linda and Daniel (22 months old at the time) and our 6 year-old Golden Retriever Dusty; We had a tree, a few presents, food on the table, and a roof over our heads. And we had our God who will never leave us nor forsake us. We chose to count our blessings.
   Counting your blessings is a choice; it is up to you whether you count your blessings or moan and complain. Some people would say, “but you don't know my situation.” While that is true, there is always someone who is in worse shape than you are. And the truth, the secret, to all of this is: complaining about your situation won't change your situation. Counting your blessings won't necessarily change your situation either (though some would argue it will, power of positive thinking and all that), but counting your blessings will improve your attitude and feelings. You can be in the situation you're in and be miserable and bitter; or you can be in the situation you're in and be happy and content. The choice is yours.
   You always have blessings you can count. It's up to you.
 
You may be wondering what is the rest of the story in regards to my cancer. It is a long story, and to get it all you'll have to buy the book (yes there is one coming). To make a long story short, I had to turn to an alternative treatment, but here I am 9 years later, alive and doing well.
 
 
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Let it Snow Let it Snow Let it Snow

Posted by Daniel Neff on Friday, December 18, 2009 12:28:54 PM
Is there anything more beautiful than softly falling snow? Or a drab, bland landscape of dormant trees and grey tones transformed into a winter wonderland covered in a blanket of white? Personally, I can’t get enough of the white stuff. We lived in Maine for 4 years, and nearly every year the ground was covered in a mantle of white from December until March. One year, the snow banks on the side the street (from the plows) reached about 4 feet high. I went cross country skiing, played in it with my son, had a little fun in our Ford Bronco. We had snowball fights and built snow forts. 
I just don’t understand some people’s bitter reaction to snow. I know driving in the snow can be treacherous and there is the shoveling and the accompanying cold weather, but you have to take the bad with the good. Everything in this life comes with drawbacks. Even the most ideal job has tasks that no one likes. The most perfect marriage has its share of rough spots.  I suffered through  Fox’s 24 last year in spite of the incredibly offensive Janeane Garafalo. In my humble opinion, the positives associated with snow far outweigh the negatives. Is there anything in this life more satisfying than coming in from the snow, shaking the fluffy white stuff off your boots, and sitting down in front of a fire with a cup of hot chocolate or a hot toddy?
If I had to choose between 12 months of hot humid weather, or 12 months of snowy weather, it would be a no-brainer. From the sunlight glistening off the snow, creating imaginary diamonds, to the infinite perspective created at night from the light bouncing off the white snow, it is almost magical. To my ears, the cries of “Ugh, I hate snow” are akin to “Bah Humbug” at Christmas time. If you don’t like the snow, keep it to yourself, or move to Florida.
Tags: Snow Winter  
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Why the family is so important to all of us

Posted by Daniel Neff on Monday, July 06, 2009 2:21:18 PM
 

Let me say first that I am not condemning anyone who is divorced, and I know that divorce will continue to happen. These are just my observations on the issue of divorce and it's consequences. While I can't say what the divorce rate is and whether it is on the rise or decline (divorce statistics are harder to find than a positive review of a Ben Affleck movie), it is safe to say that divorce remains a major problem in this country. My observation on this issue is not about the ethics or morality of divorce, but it's effects on the children, and by association, it's effects on all of us (as it effects society).

The following is a commentary by Alexis de Tocqueville about American public life (in comparison to European public life, circa 1835). His comments are very interesting.

 "Agitated by the tumultuous passions which frequently disturb his dwelling, the European is galled by the obedience which the legislative powers of the State exact. But when the American retires from the turmoil of public life to the bosom of his family, he finds in it the image of order and of peace. There his pleasures are simple and natural, his joys are innocent and calm; and as he finds that an orderly life is the surest path to happiness, he accustoms himself without difficulty to moderate his opinions as well as his tastes. Whilst the European endeavors to forget his domestic troubles by agitating society, the American derives from his own home that love of order which he afterwards carries with him into public affairs."


It would be reasonable to substitute "home marred by divorce" for "European", and "home not marred by divorce" for American, in regards to the above commentary.
"the (child from a home marred by divorce) endeavors to forget his domestic troubles by agitating society"
The contrast is stark. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that youth from a stable home are going to be better behaved than youth from a home that is racked with strife. But the point is that a stable home is just one where mom and dad are there, committed to one another, committed to their children. It doesn't have to be Ward and June Cleaver (from "Leave it to Beaver"). It doesn have to be perfecct. Having worked with troubled youth and their families for nearly 20 years, I think I can comment with some degree of credibility on this issue. The vast majority of teens we have worked with that are "troubled", juvenile offenders, struggling in school, come from broken homes. There have been scant few troubled teens that have come from a home where the original mom and dad are still together and in the home. These kids either live in a single-parent household, or they live with mom and the live-in boyfriend-of-the-month. Of course my experience is not exhaustive (I have not worked with every single troubled teen), but it is a valid sample.

We have even worked with youth, whose parents were together, but in and out of separation/talking of divorce. These youth would do well when mom and dad were working it out and together, but when mom and dad would separate or things would get heated, the youth would struggle. Then, when mom and dad would start to work things out again, the youth would exhibit positive behaviors. The effects of the tranquility of the home on the children cannot be overstated. Of course all couples have good days and bad days, and no marriage is going to be like a fairy tale, but a home where mom and dad are present and committed to staying together is always better than a broken home. Kids get their sense of self from their family. If their family is fractured, they feel it. Kids need that sense of wholeness in their home as a base for them to discover who they are. Lawyers and Psychologists will tell parents, “the kids will be okay, kids are resilient, they're better off in a broken home than one where the parents fight all the time”. I have heard people who got divorced say they regret listening to that kind of advice. Kids are always (99% of the time) better off with mom and dad together.

Marriage is not an easy thing. If it were, the vows would say "for better, richer, and in health, I will stay with you". But that's not the way the vows read, is it? "For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health....til death do us part".


I think part of the problem is expectations. People have unrealistic expectations of marriage in a lot of cases.
I am reminded of a Don Henley song (End of the Innocence), where he says,

“And happily ever after fails,

and we've been poisoned by these fairy tales,

the lawyers dwell on small details,

since daddy had to fly”

I think what he is saying is that people listen to songs or watch romantic movies (fairy tales) and get this impression that when they fall in love and get married, they will live in this fairy tale of bliss and harmony. Then, when they find out that real life is not like that, they give up, assuming that they just married the wrong person. People need to go into marriage with the right perspective and expectations. People need to realize going into marriage that it takes work, commitment, and a willingness to forgive one another. I think if public schools spent time educating kids about marriage and responsibility (instead of how to have sex), our society would be much better off (but don't get me started on that soap box). (This could be done without teaching from a religious perspective)

Another factor contributing to the divorce rate is the fact that people are so mobile anymore (moving from place to place), that they no longer have the parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles nearby to counsel them when they begin to have marital problems. The advice of an older person who has been there, experienced tough times (but worked it out and can honestly tell them that it is worth the effort to make their marriage work) is priceless. That is something most of don't have any longer. Without the advice and modeling of family, people are left to take their cue from others in their community, tv, movies. And in these cases people are inundated with the message "Everyone is getting divorced, you might as well get divorced too."
This commentary is not about the morality of divorce, but the destructive effects that we all feel. From troublemakers in school, to juvenile offenders, to adult crimes, so many of the things that disrupt us from enjoying life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness could be reduced simply by repairing the family unit. So many of the ills of our society could be cured simply by returning to a commitment to family..."til death do us part".
 
"when _________ retires from the turmoil of public life to the bosom of his family, he finds in it the image of order and of peace"
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Can we keep this Republic?

Posted by Daniel Neff on Thursday, July 02, 2009 7:54:10 AM
More than any other time of year, this is when we reflect on the birth of this great (once great?) nation. July 4th marks the anniversary of the Declaration of Independence. The most amazing document in the history of man. While it is an overused phrase, the founding fathers would roll over in their graves if they knew what people have done to the republic they created. Then again, they (much more than most in this generation) understood human behavior. Someone asked Benjamin Franklin (after the constitution was drawn up)”Well Doctor, what have we got, a republic or a monarchy?" "A republic if you can keep it" responded Franklin.
And this is NOT, a democrat problem or a republican problem, it is a result of corrupt politicians, people who have not been educated adequately in the heritage of this nation, and......human nature. Congress, and presidents (past and current) have overstepped their constitutional authority and done things, that while they may have seemed like "good things" to do, were in principle, WRONG!
Alexander Tytler, a Scottish-born British lawyer and writer, wrote about the phases a democracy usually goes through, and it usually ends, after about 200 years, in bondage such as a dictatorship.
 
Tytler listed the phases as follows (source wikipedia)
 
  • From bondage to spiritual faith;
  • From spiritual faith to great courage;
  • From courage to liberty;
  • From liberty to abundance;
  • From abundance to complacency;
  • From complacency to apathy;
  • From apathy to dependence;
  • From dependence back into bondage.
     
  • Now of course, this is the opinion of a man, based on his study of history, and is therefore not exhaustive nor absolute truth, but it is useful for discussion. Going by this list of progression, I would say we are somewhere in the "apathy to dependence" phase. With all of our accomplishments in the 20th century we became complacent. That has been followed in the last 30 years with a march toward apathy. People have come to the place where most feel their vote doesn't count and the representatives don't listen to their voice. We are at a critical juncture in our history. We can beat this "inevitable?" progression to bondage, and it appears that many people are ready to rise to the challenge. The Tax Day Tea Parties are evidence of that. Despite the efforts of the lunatic left wing fringe on some networks to discredit good people getting out and making their voice heard, these tea parties have stirred (or shown evidence of an already existing stirring of) that indomitable American spirit that is unique in the history of human government. People are meeting all across this nation to find ways to change the course of this nation, and help stave off tyranny. Some states have starting passing gun legislation and daring the federal government to overstep it's constitutional limits to undo the legislation. Some states have talked about secession. Let's hope it doesn't come to that, but I think there needs to be a willingness to take that direction if the federal government refuses to stay within the constitution. I don't think anyone wants a violent revolt, most people just want this government to be once again, "a government of the people, by the people, and for the people".
     
    Let's hope that Lincoln was right, and this wasn't just wishful thinking:
     
    "and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth. "
     
     
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